Why is Change so darn Difficult??
By Lisa de Lusignan
Feb 4, 2010 - 2:33:03 PM
Well it’s mid February and
if you made any New Years resolution, it might be starting to slip from
your memory. Or it is so stuck in your mind that you are beating
yourself up because you have not lived up to your commitment.
We make these resolutions because there is something we want to change,
adjust or try something new. But what happens? We have the best intentions,
we have great ideas, great passion at the time, and something happens
as the days go by.
One thing that happens with
an idea is we pick something that is too big. The goal is too far away
and too large for us to reach it, and in a world of instant gratification
we want in a few weeks not a few months. We have to remember whatever
it is that we are wanting to change has been there for years, it does
not just transform in a week or two. And what is it that we are
really wanting from the change? Is it a fantasy of how we will feel
with the change or the things that we will get?
There are a few things that
can make it easier for us and ensure a greater chance of long term success.
Ask yourself what you want
to gain from the change and be realistic about how you believe you will
feel. Be sure that you are making these changes for yourself and
not to get something or please someone else. Write a clear statement
about your intention.
Pick a time frame that
is realistic depending on the goal. Six months is about the right amount
of time to make some realistic changes and leaves time for relapse,
mistakes and corrections.
Break your plan into small
steps, ultimately leading to your final goal
Tell at least one person
about what your game plan and ask for feedback and help along the way.
Telling someone is a way to help you stick to your plan.
Here is an example of a common
goal using these suggestions.
Goal: Healthy body, get fit
and lose weight
I want to feel good about
my body, have more energy and lose 20 lbs in 6 months.
In 2 weeks I will find
the exercise program that will work for me and have it scheduled on
I will eat in more then
I will eat out starting this week. I will pick a day once a week that
I will buy healthy groceries. I will move my body at least three times
At the end of this month
when I am successful I will reward myself with: i.e. a new workout garment,
new pair of sneakers, my favourite magazine, a night dancing,
a massage, pedicure, or special day trip somewhere beautiful.
Remember all you can do is
your best; be aware of how hard you are on yourself about setbacks or
mistakes. You have had these habits for a long time be patient
with yourself and forgive yourself for mishaps and relapse.
My boss is having an affair and I am
in the position of having to lie to her spouse. How can I get out of
it, what can I do? Should I tell her husband?
This is a tough situation because I
assume you are quite close to your boss since she has confided in you.
First of all talk to a lawyer to make sure you are secure in your job
and you are covered if your boss tries to fire if it gets more difficult.
As hard as it might be you have to have a candid conversation with your
boss, telling her that you will not longer lie to her husband, and being
open with her about how difficult this has been for you. This is between
your boss and her spouse it is not up to you to inform the husband.
It may not be the ideal market to look for another job but if it is
possible you may want to consider working for another company that has
higher standards and less personal issues crossing over to the work
I have been apart from my ex boyfriend
for about a year now. He lives in another city so I have had little
contact with him for about 3 months. My friend sometimes visits that
city and stays with him. I know they are just friends but I am very
uncomfortable with it. The last time she stayed with him, she told me
all these things that he said blaming me for the break up and she agreed
with him. I don’t want her to stay with him again and I am so uncomfortable
with her now. What can I do, how do I stop them from talking about
You cannot stop anyone from talking
about you. What you can do is stop listening to it. You always have
the choice of what conversations to participate. It sounds like you
need a heart to heart with your friend. Does she realize that you are
hurt by her staying there? Does she know you are hurt by what she said?
By talking to her about how you feel, you will feel better and maybe
you can understand where she is coming from.
I would think about what feelings you
are still carrying for your ex and look into ways to heal and gain some
closure for yourself. It takes time for these feelings to pass; sometimes
talking to someone can help the process.
Focus on what you are thinking and
feeling not what they are doing.
Be the change that you would
like to see in the world
Lisa de Lusignan MA, RPC
Lifestyle Coach and Counselor
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