Healthy connections are essential
for healthy relationships. This connection is called intimacy,
and contrary to how most think, it is not synonymous with sex although
sex is a component of intimacy. Here are a few words that comprise
a working definition of intimacy: closeness, togetherness, friendship,
understanding, affection and tenderness. Every person needs
connection (intimacy) because God created humans to connect. It
has been proven that a new born baby may die if there is no nurturing
contact with others. A person who is appropriately connected through
significant relationships is well on the way to leading a fulfilled
and rewarding life.
As human beings we long for
connection to the point that many tolerate and make effort to sustain
obviously unhealthy relationships just for some source of connection.
Have you ever encountered a person in an abusive relationship who defended
the abuser by acknowledging that although the person is abusive he/she
makes them feel good through some intimate means? For those of
you who are married and serious about your intimacy with your spouse,
take the time to honestly answer the following questions.
Building Intimacy Questionnaire
Intimacy is based mainly upon
feelings of satisfaction or discontentment brought on by met or unmet
expectations. Answering these questions honestly will give your
spouse insight into your feelings and vise versa. Do not react
negatively to or defend your behavior at this time. This is a
time of learning and to learn you must listen.
1. I feel
closest to you when ……
2. I am
turned off (pull away, disconnected) when you….
3. I am
most sexually attracted to you when ....
4. I wish
we would send more time …..
5. I feel
honored and respected when you …
6. I feel
dishonored and disrespected when you …
* 7. If I have a fear
of opening up to you, my fear would be….
* 8. I do not feel as
close to you as I did because…
9. The thing
I like most about our relationship is ….
10. List at least two
character traits that you admire in our spouse.
11. I wish you would
understand me a little more when/in (list an area, time, mood etc.)
12. I am frustrated
when you ……….
Note: Use another
paper for your answers.
Editor's Note: Pastor
Beckles will be writing a new column for The Bahamas Weekly on
relationships called, "Relationships Matter". We welcome him as our
About the author: Cedric Beckles is
family/marriage counselor, motivational speaker and writer, who equips
people to establish and maintain healthy relationships. Email bahamaslifeministries@