How do we fully love
our lives and extend love to those who are important to us? Do we have
to be happy to be able to do that?
In our busy lives,
we often do not find the time to ask ourselves, Am I living life to
the fullest? Am I happy? How can I love life more? We may
have thought about these things before but have not explored further.
How come? Are we
afraid of the answer? Are we afraid of the work involved, the change
that is involved?
Let me suggest that
you ponder that just for the next 5 minutes while you read this column
and see what transpires.
For a start break
down your experience moment by moment. So right now in this exact moment,
you are reading this article. Many experiences have lead
you to read this, curiosity, boredom, sadness, or you have a spare moment
in your day. Whatever lead you here you are deciding to learn and possibly
transform your current experience.
Living our day moment
to moment, making every experience count, can transform any mundane
task into an adventure. It is not the big things that happen in life
that we remember the most, it is the simple experiences when we felt
connected to self or other that bring us the most joy. I
cannot remember what I have received for Christmas as a child most years
but I do remember the fun of decorating our home on the first weekend
To experience life
to the fullest you must be in the “now”. To do that
stay out of the past or the future, this is the place we unfortunately
spend much of our time. In the future with thoughts like,
“What if this happens?”, or in the past with thoughts like,
“ I tried that before, it didn’t work, why bother to try again?”.
You must be willing to retrain your mind to remain in the present experience
and be open to new experiences.
Here are a few ideas
next meal time, completely focus on the present. Your primary goal will
be to focus on connection to self and other by listening and sharing
of yourself. Seek to understand not to be understood. Be very aware
of how you want to talk about someone else as a distraction. Make sure
the television, computer and anything else that distracts you from your
goal is turned off. Notice what it feels like to be fully present.
outside your home too, tune into the world around you as you go through
your day. Make eye contact, smile, make a connection with someone who
you usually would not. Be aware of the different experiences you have
as you move throughout your day.
Connection to others
what makes our life meaningful, it is what brings joy to our lives,
take a risk and see what happens.
My son keeps wanting me to bail him out
financially, he's 24. How should I handle it.
One thing that stands out for me although
I don’t have much information is that you have set up the dynamic
of wounded bird/savior. The ‘wounded bird” keeps feeling wounded
as long as there is someone to save them. If he is wanting
you to bail him out it has worked in the past and he will certainly
continue to ask as long as he gets what he wants and he will not have
to take care of himself.
The thing for you to think about is how
did this dynamic start? It can start from feelings of guilt. Somehow
making up for something you didn’t give him in the past, emotionally
or physically. Often this dynamic is set up with parents and children
of divorce, the parents think if they take care of the children this
way they can somehow take the painful experiences away for the child.
No amount of money or bail out can take the experience away. In fact,
letting our children feel what they need to feel without trying to fix
or change can be the very thing that helps them heal.
You cannot change what he is doing you
can however change your reaction to your son’s requests.
Is there something you are
trying to make up for by “bailing” him out? Do you need to make
amends to him for anything?
Communicate how it makes you
feel when he is asking for money. Slowly start to speak to him adult
How capable do you think he
is of taking care of himself and how are you demonstrating that to him?
Often parents are full of advice which can undermine the capability
of the child. Listen more, give advice less.
Tell him that you will help
him out this time and will not be able to do it again. Suggest that
you are willing to help him set up a budget if he needs that for
Expect that your son is capable of taking
care of himself, these struggles and bumps in the road are teaching
him something valuable.
Why is everything 'my job' and my
husband just offers to help?
It is always your job because you have
made it that way! You have always done it, if you want something to
change in your house you have to step back and expect him to do it successfully.
Have a conversation about
how over worked you feel, this can have the biggest impact.
Ask for help, and receive
the help, even if it is not up to your standards.( thats important)
Have a weekly meeting to talk
about what is working and what is not. Sometimes there are jobs that
people don’t mind doing, some hate laundry but are ok about dishes,
talk about that too.
You are going to have to back
up, give him the space to take up a job, often women are so quick to
jump up and do it first. Men go about cleaning in a different way then
we do, but in the end if its clean who cares how it was done!
Be the change
you wish to see in the world. - Gandhi
Lisa de Lusignan MA, RPC