There are some people who have been married for more than 25 or even 40 years, but still have not learned the art of communicating effectively.   I often wonder how it is that after living together for decades as husband and wife, two people can file for divorce citing poor communication as one of the reason for the break up.

            Several different lawyers have in fact told me that poor communication is usually the number one reason why couples ultimately decide to end their marriages.   While finances and conflicting values and beliefs, and/or infidelity may play a major role in the divorce, poor communication is high on the list of reasons.

What do you think of when you hear the word COMMUNICATE?   For most of us we think of words such as: talking, listening, interacting and conversations.   Yes, those words are a part of communicating, but when we want to communicate effectively, we need to ensure that a lot of listening takes place – and that is listening not just with our ears but with our eyes as well, that is, being observant as to what is going on around us.   

When we communicate, what we are in effect doing is sending a message to someone, who would be the receiver of the message.   However there are times when the receiver does not receive the message the way it was intended and that is where the breakdown in communication occurs.

Effective communication entails speaking clearly and precisely. There is an economy on words so to speak.   With regards to your spouse or even close friends, it is important that when you speak to him/he, you not only speak clearly but make sure that he/she is ready to receive your message.

I am sure many of you have had experiences when you are talking on the telephone and your spouse begins a conversation with you.   And, of course, he/she expects you to respond to what he/she has said even though you are in the middle of a conversation with someone else.   While this incident will not lead you to divorce court, you can see where such poor communication practices could in fact lead to frustration and distress.

One very simple way to ensure that your message is received the way it was intended is to first ensure that the person is available to speak to you, then ask for feedback.   Simply ask the sender of the message for clarification of the message.   For example: Susan tells Mary that her hair looks different today.   Mary immediately interprets that message as: “your hair doesn’t look good today.”   Perhaps she interprets it this way because as a child, the children at school often teased her because her hair was “different”.   Before Mary gets herself into a tizzy, she asks Susan what she means by her statement.   Susan tells Mary that she liked her new hairstyle.   Mary breathes a sigh of relief and accepts the compliment graciously.

Mary had a difficult time receiving the message Susan intended because of the NOISE going on in her life.   This noise can be both physical and emotional.   Sometimes we are unable to receive a message because of the loud sounds coming from surrounding areas.   However, many times we misunderstand or misinterpret a message because of our inner noise, which at times is more powerful and louder than any clap of thunder.

This inner noise could be abuse you experienced as a child, or the after effects of a fight you recently had with your spouse or a colleague at work.   Perhaps this inner noise could be insecurities you have with regards to parenting or it could be feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt.   Whatever the reason for the noise, it is important to know that until you silence this noise, you will have a difficult time communicating effectively.

In order to minimize this internal noise, you need to first recognize what the noise is and name it.   Find ways to deal with the noise so it no longer hampers your ability to communicate with your children, spouse or colleagues.   You will find that as your ability to communicate with others improves, their reactions will be more positive.  

This week I challenge you to be very aware of when and how you communicate to others.   Take a few minutes to examine whether or not you have some inner noise distracting you from receiving messages as they are intended.   Perhaps the poor communication you are now experiencing with your spouse can be attributed to this internal noise.   You won’t know unless you silence yourself and communicate with your inner self.   So turn off the noise and tune into yourself.